Missing the Guest of Honor
By Dr. Michael A. Halleen
"Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews?" (Matthew 2:2)
There's a story that has become legend in a small Minnesota town. I can't vouch for its truth, only that people tell it as though it really happened. It seems that the retiring mayor was to be honored at a party as he left office. He had been responsible for a number of significant improvements to the town, so it seemed good to have the community pay tribute.
The party was held at the VFW hall, and all agreed it was a great celebration. The music was loud, the room crowded and noisy. The finger food was unusual in its quality and liquid refreshment flowed without restraint until late into the evening. Over coffee the next morning in the Main Street diner, someone wondered aloud if the mayor had enjoyed it, but no one knew. No one in the diner had talked to him or had even seen him there. Only later did they learn that the mayor had checked into a hospital the previous day and had missed the party in his honor. Apparently no one had noticed.
It sounds a lot like Christmas. People get together, the food is great, the music warms the heart — but has anyone seen the guest of honor? The season has become about us — our menus, our travel plans, our expenses. We've lost perspective. Our celebration will be more authentic if our hopes are not only for good sales figures but also for good will among mankind. Christ will be seen among us if our prayers are not only for peace in travel but also for peace on earth.
Our church set out its nativity scene the other day. Life-sized figures of all the familiar characters are in place, kneeling around the manger — all but one. Seems the baby Jesus is missing. We couldn't find him this year. Mary and Joseph and the Wise Men are gazing reverently at some wisps of straw.
Sign of the times. Hopefully the Christ child will be found by Christmas.
@ December 27, 2010
Top Ten Signs You've Spent Too Much Money On Christmas Presents
By James Watkins
Direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, here are top ten signs you've spent too much money on Christmas presents:
10. Your letter carrier develops a hernia delivering your MasterCard bill.
9. Your new computer has more RAM than Microsoft headquarters.
8. The Federal government is offering you a bailout.
7. You've taken out a second mortgage to pay for the "Nuclear-powered 3-D Brain Blaster" video game system.
6. A guy named "Nick the Kneecap" keeps calling you at 3 a.m.
5. You spend all your time away from the office or assembly line asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
4. You use cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and computer manuals to heat your home.
3. The Ghost of Christmas Future reveals your family living at a homeless shelter, but—hey—you're the best dressed people there.
2. You're receiving money for food and medicine from a Russian orphan.
1. You've forgotten the true reason for the season.
@ December 20, 2010
A Funeral Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
@ December 13, 2010
The Things You Hear
By MikeysFunnies.com
Things you hear - besides "The check is in the mail" - that probably aren't true:
* (after giving directions) ...you can't miss it.
* I never watch television except PBS.
* The engine is supposed to make that noise.
* I never inhaled.
* Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
* Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
* It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
* You get this one and I'll pay next time.
* I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
* I'll call you right back.
* I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
* Don't worry.
* I don't need a nice ring when you ask me to marry you.
* Almost any answer to the question, "Do these pants make my rear end look big?"
* I will pay you back next week.
* I only had one drink, officer.
* I'll be there in 5 minutes.
* No, your driver's license picture looks fine.
* The dog ate my homework.
* It tastes just like chicken.
* This car is just like new.
* Guaranteed to last a lifetime.
* This will pay for itself the first time you use it.
* We don't need to stop for directions. I know exactly where we are.
* Congratulations! You've just won an all expense paid trip to the destination of your choice. Absolutely free! No strings attached.
* Sadly, "I'll be praying for you."
@December 6, 2010
Turkey Leftovers
By W. Bruce Cameron
Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate.
Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.) But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours.
"Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under.
Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes."
I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development.
As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time. Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it."
Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey.
About the Author - Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2005. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes. Bruce's latest book is the New York Times best-selling novel "A Dog's Purpose":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0765326264/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
He is also the author of these recommended books:
"8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0761126333/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter: And Other Reasonable Advice from the Father of the Bride (Not that Anyone is Paying Attention)":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1416558918/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
"How to Remodel a Man: Tips and Techniques on Accomplishing Something You Know Is Impossible but Want to Try Anyway":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/031233317X/ref=nosim/mikeysfunnies-20
@November 29, 2010
A Funeral Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
@November 22, 2010
Top Ten Reasons To Ask Your Boss For A Raise
By MikeysFunnies.com
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
@November 15, 2010
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Voter Confidence
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"
One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Sermon Laughter
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
A Roller Coaster
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.
I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.
To her delight, we rode it twice.
The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.
As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."
I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year I can read."
@November 2010
Signs You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
~ The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest.
~ Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
~ Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups.
~ You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
~ Those strange footprints in the ceiling of your office.
~ You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
~ You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
~ Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
~ You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
~ Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
~ Alvin & the Chipmunks start to sound like Barry White.
~ Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
~ YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..
@November 1, 2010
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Cordless Vac Please?
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "'I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
A Drum Funny!
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."
As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
@ October 25, 2010
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Farmer Funny
A farmer and his wife went to their high school reunion.
The farmer looked around, noticing the other men with their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud that he weighed just five pounds more than he did in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, he said to his wife: "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at her husband, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
That will be $40!
There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
"Forty dollars."
"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
It’s a Grandma’s Life
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
@October 18, 2010
Signs You're Getting Older
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
~ The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
~ Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
~ Your children begin to look middle aged.
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
~ Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
~ You look forward to a dull evening.
~ Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
~ You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
~ You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
~ Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
~ You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
~ Your back goes out more than you do.
~ You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
~ You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
~ You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
~ You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
~ You're proud of your lawn mower.
~ Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
~ Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
~ You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
~ You make an appointment to see the dentist.
~ People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
~ You have a dream about prunes.
~ You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
~ You send money to PBS.
~ The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
~ You take a metal detector to the beach.
~ You wear black socks with sandals.
~ You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
~ Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
@October 11, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
King Solomon’s Pet Peeves
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law
Two Sociable Deacon’s
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here...and he's the only one who counts."
The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."
@ October 4, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Change in Command
There's an old sea story about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. And Brown, you change with Schultz."
Rules are Meant to be Broken!
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
@ September 27, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Anyone Else Need a Haircut?
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
I Disagree!
Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody - how do you do it?"
Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."
Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"
Nat: "You're absolutely right."
Oh No They Didn’t!
My pastor friend put sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
@ September 20, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
What’s in a Million
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Lord, can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A Careening Promotion
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
"And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
"He rang up a third time and said 'You're actually the new managing director.' And I went into a tree.
"So a policeman came up and asked, 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'"
Examination of Conscience
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
@September 13, 2010
The Job Test
By MikeysFunnies.com
To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.
INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.
ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.
EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.
PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.
GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.
SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?
PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.
EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.
@ September 7, 2010
IT'S SO HOT THAT...
By MikeysFunnies.com
..The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
..The trees are whistling for the dogs.
..The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
..Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.
..You can make sun tea instantly.
..You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
..The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
..You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
..You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
..You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
..You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
..Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
..You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
..Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
@August 24, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Brick Funny!
While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"
The guide replied: "One."
If Men Really Ruled The World….
…nodding would be considered an acceptable response to "I love you."
…the funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
...your raise would be tied to the fortunes of your fantasy sports team.
...a "night out with the boys" once a week would be obligatory.
...the workday would start a lot closer to noon.
...every anniversary gift you would ever need could be found at the local hardware store.
...tanks would be a “lot” easier to rent.
@August 9, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Watermelons for Sale
A farmer who grew watermelons was doing pretty well, but some local kids would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. The farmer came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
That night the kids saw the sign and they ran off to plot revenge. Next morning there were no watermelons missing, but a new sign said: "Now there are two!"
For Women Only
~ Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
~ Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
~ One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
~ I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
~ If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
@August 3, 2010
Ooooooh, to Be Young Again!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
@July 19, 2010
Start Your Week with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Say What?
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preachin’ and now he's meddlin'."
A Blessing
A young minister sat down to dinner and was about to say grace.
He looked at the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.
"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
Computer’s Are People Too
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness
@July 12, 2010
We’re Have’n Chicken For Dinner Tonight!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right - everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken - pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
@ July 6, 2010
A Cowboy Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ol boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
@ June 28, 2010
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Penny for What?
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.
Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"
Hello, this is Dispatch
911 Caller: "Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!"
911 Operator: "Is this her first child?"
911 Caller: "Of course not, you idiot! This is her husband!"
Doctor’s Visit
Mrs. Frobisher made a visit to Dr. Wilson's office.
"You see, Doctor Wilson, I'm always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning," said Mrs. Frobisher
Dr. Wilson thought deeply for a few moments.
"Well, try getting up half an hour later," said the doctor.
@June 21, 2010
Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys
By Tammy Rosenfeldt
~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.
~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.
~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.
~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?
~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes-most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really-just shouted it out while in the car.
~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.
~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."
~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.
~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.
About the Author: To learn more about Tammy's blog, Tales From a Stay-at-Home Mom: http://www.tjrosenfeldt.blogspot.com/
@June 14, 2010
Start Your Day with a Smile…
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Traffic Camera Funny
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
What’s Up, Johnny?
Little Johnny returned home from his first day in third grade and asked, "Mom, what's sex?"
After a brief moment of panic, she decided that the best response was to be open and honest with her child. Calmly, she gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, Little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
@June 7, 2010
A Couple of Laughs!
By MikeysFunnies.com
23rd Psalm for the Student
The Lord is my real instructor and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining. He reminds me that He is my Salvation and not my school.
He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.
Even though I face absurd amounts of homework, quizzes, tests, unrealistic deadlines, shortages of funds, gossiping students, discriminating teachers, and a sleep-deprived body that doesn't cooperate every morning, I will not stop--for He is with me!
His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to give me good grades.
He claims me as His own, even when the class threatens to flunk me.
His faithfulness and love are better than any A+.
His eternal reward beats every degree there is.
When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer than I'll be in school (even when it doesn’t feel like it) and for that, I bless His Name!
Oh, Chute!
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.
He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
@May 24, 2010
An I Wish Funny!
By MikeysFunnies.com
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, convertible, power locks, power windows, satellite radio, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"Okay, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
@May 17, 2010
SPRING CLEANING
By Jackie Papandrew
Last week, I decided to make my mother proud and embark on a vigorous program of spring cleaning, so I went to the garage for a broom and came across my long-neglected bike, which reminded me I’d been intending to exercise since sometime before the last millennium and, since there’s no time like the present, I pulled the creaky bike out to the driveway, where my eyes fell upon my very dirty automobile, so I pulled out a hose and began washing it, but this got my sneakers wet, which reminded me that I really wanted to do some serious shoe shopping, but then I remembered that I sorely needed a pedicure, only when I pulled off my socks to examine my foul feet, I realized I had no clean socks because I failed to find the time all week to do laundry, so I rushed inside to start a load, and speaking of loads....
I suddenly wanted to read the newspaper to find out what kind of hooey those humble public servants in Washington are pushing, and speaking of pushing, I realized I should get back to the garage to grab that broom, but then I saw the mop right there next to it and that got me thinking about my hair, which lately has had more bad days than good, and so I thought I’d make an appointment for a haircut, but when I picked up the phone, I recalled the irate conversation I had a couple of days ago with my mother, who feels I should call her more often, and she’s undoubtedly right, but then she asked if I’d begun my spring cleaning and so, remembering this, I hung up the phone and gathered a tub full of cleaning supplies with which to attack the job at hand, but seeing the tub made me think of the word ‘tubby’ which made me think of my stomach, which reminded me that I’d left the bike in the driveway, so I rushed outside, only to notice the deplorable condition of my windows so I went in search of a squeegee and while I was looking, I started thinking about how much I like the word ‘squeegee’ and then I started thinking about how much I like words in general, and if one likes words as much as I do, one naturally ! loves books as well, which often leads to reading, and I really love to read and thinking about reading caused my brain to take a philosophical turn, which it has a habit of doing whenever cleaning is on the horizon, but then I was jerked back to reality with the realization that I've never actually owned a squeegee and therefore could not properly clean my windows, and I’m pretty sure that it was Plato who said that if one cannot correctly clean one’s own windows, any other kind of cleaning is not morally justifiable, which is why I decided to lie down for the day and put off cleaning until next spring.
Sorry, Mom.
@May 10, 2010
Kid Talk (Part II)
By MikeysFunnies.com
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"
NIKKI (age 4) was listening intently to the Sunday sermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that moment Nikki leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
MAX (age 4) to his dad: "Dark Vader's not the boss of me! Dad, if he ever tried to kill you I'd do something awesome to him!"
@May 3, 2010
Kid Talk (Part I)
By MikeysFunnies.com
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night: "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied that she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
@April 19, 2010
Start Your Week with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Young Couples Ministry…
Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples!
On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies! Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here's what he actually said: "Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!"
The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, "For which we are grateful."
Dinners Ready!
Like every Sunday morning my son, David (5 years old), attended church with us. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon.
He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
@ April 12, 2010
The Rich Family In Church
By Eddie Ogan
I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.
By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.
When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1.
We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.
Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.
The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change.
We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.
That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.
We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet.
But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.
When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.
As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.
Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night.
We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.
That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!
I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.
Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week.
Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering.
When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church."
Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."
We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!
@April 5, 2010
A Hearing Funny!
By MikeysFunnies.com
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her about it, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there was a simple, informal test he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.
So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"RALPH, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"
@March 29, 2010
Start Your Week with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Trial Funny
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
A Judge Funny
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
A WWJD Funny
Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall.
Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands."
Then a third person wrote, "And your feet."
@March 22, 2010
Is Your Hut Burning?
By MikeysFunnies.com
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.
"God, how could you do this to me?!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.
"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
@March 15, 2010
Start Your Week with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Read a Good Obit Lately?
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
Got Gas?
An elderly couple are attending a church service.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A Thought for the Day!
Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
@March 8, 2010
Start Your Week with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Where is My Paper?
"Where's my Sunday paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, "Well, that's why no one was at church today!"
It’s All in the Translation!
A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.
At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
Oh, Susie…
Little Susie: "I don't want to eat this squash."
Mommy: "But it's good for you, darling."
Little Susie: "But I don't LIKE it!"
Mommy: "You like pretending. Why don't you pretend it's ice cream?"
Little Susie: "Why can't I just pretend it's gone?"
@March 1, 2010
Signs You Need A New Pizza Place
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.
~ The delivery kid is packing.
~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.
~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.
~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"
~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.
~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.
~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hotline.
~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."
~ Their slogan is "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."
~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.
~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.
~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.
@February 22, 2010
Start Your Day with a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Football Fun
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
A New Job Funny
A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I've discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
A Wabbit Funny
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby? Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."
@February 15, 2010
Never Start Your Day Without a Smile!
By MikeysFunnies.com
Amphibious Invasion
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
Backpacking Buffalo Style
After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
A One-Way Trip
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco 's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
@February 8, 2010
A Barber Shop Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, I never charge a doctor," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work."
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.
Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, I never charge a police officer," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work."
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer.
Later that day, a pastor walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the pastor asks the barber, "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, I never charge a pastor," the barber replies. "You all do such good, important work."
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve pastors on his doorstep.
@February 1, 2010
A Leg Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
@January 25, 2010
A Golfer Hears from Above
By MikeysFunnies.com
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.
Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
He did. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again: "PUT THE OLD BALL BACK."
@January 18, 2010
Funny Signs
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
~ Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
~ Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
~ Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
~ English sign in German cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
~ Entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
~ Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
~ In a beauty shop: Dye now!
~ In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
~ In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
~ In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
~ In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
~ In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
~ In a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
~ In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
~ In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
~ In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
~ In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
~ In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
~ In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
~ Maternity clothes shop: We are open on Labor Day.
~ On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
@January 11, 2010
A Newspaper Ad
By MikeysFunnies.com
The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
@January 4, 2010
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