| Provided by The Back Pew! |
|---|
 |
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Fishing Funny
A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.
"I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."
A Hair Funny
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A Commandment Funny
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
><> February 6, 2012
Kids In Grade School Think Fast
By MikeysFunnies.com
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
JOHN: In the Garden of Eden?
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
><> January 30, 2012
Are You Ready For Parenthood?
By MikeysFunnies.com
A brief battery of tests for prospective parents
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the customer service counter and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
><> January 23, 2012
A Success Funny!
By MikeysFunnies.com
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"
><> January 16, 2012
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?
A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
Recipe For A Prosperous, Peaceful Year
Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short, see that these months are freed as much as possible from the past.
Cut these months into 29, 30 or 31 equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows:
Into each day put
twelve parts of faith,
eleven of patience,
ten of courage,
nine of work,
eight of hope,
seven of fidelity,
six of liberality,
five of kindness,
four of rest,
three of prayer,
two of meditation,
and one well selected resolution.
If you have no conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.
Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New Year is certain.
><> January 9, 2012
How You Know It's Time To Buy A New Car
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.
~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on new cars.
~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.
~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.
~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.
~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
~ Your mechanic keeps asking, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"
~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.
~ It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.
~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
><> January 2, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Song Funny
My secretary was driving to work this past week. She had her four-year-old daughter in the car with her for an event at church.
Since it is the season, they were listening to Christmas music. As they approached the church, the song "Sleigh Ride" was playing. When her mom parked the car and turned off the radio, her daughter continued to sing; "idiot, idiot, idiot, let's go."
Her mother said, "Honey, that is not the word they are singing. It is 'giddy-up.' Besides idiot is not a very nice word."
Her daughter replied, "Why? That's what you always say about people when we are driving and they aren't going fast enough."
A Shopping Funny
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"
The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."
"Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."
><> December 26, 2011
Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like
By MikeysFunnies.com
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. "I really don't deserve this."
><> December 12, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Sign Funny
A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."
The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"
The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"
A George W. Bush Funny
George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, "Hey, aren't you Moses?"
Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.
A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said "Hey, aren't you Moses?"
Again Moses said nothing.
A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!"
This time Moses replied, "Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"
A Dog Funny
Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."
He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."
><> December 5, 2011
Turkey Leftovers
By W. Bruce Cameron
Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate.
Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.) But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours.
"Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under.
Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months. (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes."
I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development.
As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time. Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it."
Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey.
><> November 28, 2011
Signs You Overdid It This Thanksgiving
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.
~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.
~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.
~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.
~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.
~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.
~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
><> November 21, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Pig Funny
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"
"Yes."
"And if you had a cow?"
"Absolutely."
"And a goat?"
"Sure."
"A pig?"
"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
A Fish Funny
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
><> November 14, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Golf Funny
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole." I confessed.
An Airhead Funny
An airhead and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dogs, which have been barking incessantly for hours and hours.
Totally fed up, the airhead jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had just about enough of this," and she heads downstairs.
When she finally returns the dogs are barking even louder than before. Her husband asks, "What were you doing down there?"
The airhead says, "I went out back and brought BOTH of THOSE dogs into OUR backyard. Let's just see how THEY like it!"
A Chicken Funny
So a gentleman walks into a restaurant and asks the maitre d', "Can you please tell me how you prepare your chicken?"
To which the maitre d' replies, "Yes. We let them know right up front they're not going to make it."
><> November 7, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Golf Funny
The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."
A Question
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"
Two Muffins
There's two muffins in the oven.
One says, "Man! I'm burning up in here!"
The other one says "Hey look! A talking muffin!!!"
><> October 24, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.
Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."
A Memory Blank
The boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School music and drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear said, "My Mommy is the light of the world."
A Pizza Delivery
I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.
To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.
"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.
"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"
><> October 17, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Seagull Funny
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
The Handyman’s Guide
~ Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
~ Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
~ Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
~ If something looks level, it is level.
~ If what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
A Word Funny
I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.
><> October 10, 2011
Hospital Chart Bloopers
By MikeysFunnies.com
Actual writings from hospital charts
~ The patient refused autopsy.
~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~ She is numb from her toes down.
~ The skin was moist and dry.
~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.
~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
><> October 3, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Sunday School Funny
In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.
"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
A Language Funny
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
><> September 26, 2011
Retired Husband
By MikeysFunnies.com
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
April 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.
June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least:
August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.
><> September 19, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
An Outdoor Funny
When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"
"No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
A Grandma Funny
Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Gramma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"
Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"
Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!"
A Dust Funny
A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change clothes.
When he emerged, he asked his mother, "Is it true that we came from dust?"
His mother replied, "Yes, dear. God made us from dust."
The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited: "Mom, I just looked under my bed, and there's somebody either coming or going!"
><> September 12, 2011
A Supermarket Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'M William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."
><> September 6, 2011
Signs That You Attend A Small Church
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.
~ You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.
~ The church bus is a mini-van that carries seven passengers.
~ Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.
~ Offering is taken up only once a month.
~ Youth group age goes to 30.
~ Senior Adults age start at 40.
~ Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.
~ There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.
~ Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.
><> August 29, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Where Did I Come From?
"Daddy, where did I come from?", seven-year-old Rachel asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" the mom asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
Six Truths
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, due to the tendons within your neck.
2. All boneheads, after reading #1 will try it...
3. ...and discover that #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you realize you are an bonehead.
5. You soon will share this with another bonehead.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face! I sincerely apologize about this, but I'm an bonehead and I needed company.
><> August 22, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By Various Authors
A Parking Funny!
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A Buggy Funny!
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Window Funny!
The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass.
One said to the other, "Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you."
><> August 15, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By Various Authors
Barking Dog Funny
One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."
College Funny
Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.
As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.
"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"
><> August 8, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Tired Funny
A neighbor said to me, "Steve, you look tired."
"I am," I said. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups."
"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"
"Well, I did the first one in 1986."
It’s So Hot…
...the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
...you discover that it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
...you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
...you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water now comes out of both taps.
...it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
...you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
><> August 1, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Baby Funny
"I don't want a new baby." Our oldest son Brian was pretty adamant when I told him his father and I were expecting a third child. We'd survived the first round of sibling rivalry when his younger brother, Damian, was born, so we were surprised that he was digging in his heels over a new baby.
We spent about and hour trying to convince him it was a positive thing. Three-year-old Brian made his stand about this new baby, and neither logic nor persuasion could budge him.
Puzzled, I finally confronted him with a straight-forward question, "Why don't you want a new baby?"
With wide and teary eyes, Brian looked straight at me and said, "Because I like Damian, and I want to keep him."
Store Funny
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."
><> July 25, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Rabbi Funny
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the temple, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.
He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.
At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig with a big apple in its mouth.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
A Cap Funny
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
><> July 18, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Hay Funny
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you this morning," the pastor says.
"Well, Rev'rund," the farmer replied, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
A Screaming Funny
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
A Church Funny
Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
><> July 11, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Rain Funny
An African-American preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wife.
The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, "Y'all can head on home. This service is over!"
The people protested, "But we've not prayed for rain!"
"Won't do a lick of good," the preacher replied. "Ain't none of you brought their umbrella!"
A Thug Funny
A man died and went to The Judgment, where he was told, "Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly-arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"
"Wow that's impressive, "When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
><> June 27, 2011
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church over Lightening Strike
By MikeysFunnies.com
Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."
><> June 20, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Drought Funny
Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.
One asks the other how bad the drought.
The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."
Health Message
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, in fact, he does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
A Shampoo Funny
I should have figured it out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY." I have gotten rid of THAT shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! It sure pays to read the label...
><> June 13, 2011
Grandparents Answering Machine
By MikeysFunnies.com
"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....
If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.
If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
If you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.
If you want to come to eat here, press 8.
If you need money, dial 9.
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"
><> June 6, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
In a Foreign Country
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
A Son Funny
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.
A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
><> May 31, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Water Funny
The teacher asked the little girl to spell water.
The girl answered, "HIJKLMNO."
The teacher asked, "Are you sure that is how to spell water?"
She answered, "Sure! It's H to O!"
A Meeting Funny
Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.
When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained, "I will tell you why - I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."
How Dry is it in Texas?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes,the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
Now that's dry!
><> May 23, 2011
A Fire Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit.
The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace, and waited. The pastor made himself at home but said nothing.
In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair and engaged the man in small talk.
As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and lifeless.
The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave, he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday."
><> May 16, 2011
The Invisible Mother
By MikeysFunnies.com
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible - The Invisible Mom.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more.
"Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?"
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?"
I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?"
I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
"To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."
And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot see if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great job, MOM!
><> May 9, 2011
The Rich Family in Church
By Eddie Ogan
I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.
By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.
When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1.
We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.
Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering.
The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change.
We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.
That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.
We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet.
But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.
When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.
As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.
Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night.
We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.
That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!
I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.
Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week.
Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering.
When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church."
Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."
We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!
><> April 25, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Doctor Funny
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
An Environmental Funny
Discussing the environment with his friend, Dewey asked, "Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?"
"The taxpayer," replied his friend.
A Stranded Funny
A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message:
"Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."
><> April 18, 2011
Great Golf Quotes
By MikeysFunnies.com
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. - Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? - Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. - Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. - Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. - Woodrow Wilson
They call it "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken. - Raymond Floyd
><> April 11, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Profession Funny
Three friends -- a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician -- were discussing which profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said: "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!"
The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the oldest."
Then the politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"
A Grammer Funny
In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. Frobisher said, "Dewey, give me a sentence with a direct object."
Dewey replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school."
"Thank you, Dewey," responded Mrs. Frobisher, "but what is the object?"
"To get the best grade possible," said Dewey.
A Dinner Funny
Joey's dad invited Rev. & Mrs. Brown to dinner. Joey's mom made an extra-special meal. It was Joey's job to set the table with the good china and silver.
As everyone sat down to eat, Joey's mom said, "Joey, dear, you forgot to set a knife and fork for Mrs. Brown."
"I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained. "I heard Daddy say she eats like a horse."
><> March 28, 2011
A Bran New Couple
By MikeysFunnies.com
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
><> March 21, 2011
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity – Part II
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
~ Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
~ Sing along at the opera.
~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
~ Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
~ Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."
~ When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
~ When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"
~ Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
~ Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
~ Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here."
><> March 14, 2011
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity
By MikeysFunnies.com
~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
~ Finish all your sentences with, "...in accordance with the prophecy."
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
><> March 7, 2011
What I’ve Learned
By MikeysFunnies.com
I've learned... that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.
I've learned... that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned... that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned... that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned...that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned... that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned... that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned... that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned... that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned... that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned... that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned... that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned... that just because two people argue doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue doesn't mean they do.
I've learned... that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. Same goes for hearing.
I've learned... that I can be bitter or better.
><> February 28, 2011
A Married Funny!
By MikeysFunnies.com
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. (Her previous 3 husbands had passes away.) The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
><> February 21, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Sleeping Funny!
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
A Compliment
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
<> February 7, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Parking Funny!
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
An Ouch Funny!
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
A Trick Funny!
Little boy: "Oh, Gramma, I sure am happy to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
Grandmother: "What trick is that?"
Little boy: "He told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
<> January 31, 2011
A Forgetful Funny
By MikeysFunnies.com
An older couple was perfectly healthy, but they had problems remembering things. Their doctor recommended that they make written notes to help them remember. So one night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He: "Sure."
She: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He: "No, I can remember."
She: "Please put some strawberries on it. You better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget."
He: "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She: "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
He: "No, I don't need to write it down! I can remember!"
Fuming, he went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
<> January 24, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Perfect Hearing!
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty..."
A Happy Life?
A bald, wizened little man was rocking in a chair on his porch, smiling happily. A passerby, charmed by his smile, came up to him and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said with a toothless grin. "I drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fast food, and never exercise."
"No way! How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
A Mozart Funny!
A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.
He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.
The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, "Are you Mozart?"
"Yes", the old man replied.
"Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?"
Again the reply was "Yes."
"Well, you've been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?"
The old man looked up, "I'm decomposing!"
@ January 17, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
Calorie Count
A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.
She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!
New Day
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, said he would drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time. Several blocks later she told him to turn again. After 20 minutes of turn after turn, they finally reached the school. At that point, the father realized they were only a few blocks from their home. Extremely annoyed, he asked his daughter why she had led him around in such circles.
"But, daddy," the child protested, "that's the way the school bus goes, and it's the only way I know."
Prayer Group
Several women in the church prayer group were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; "We'll do what we can to help. We promise to keep you in our prayers."
"Just do something more useful like wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
@January 10, 2011
A Couple of Laughs
By MikeysFunnies.com
A Pastor Funny
Dewey was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Dewey by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Dewey replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Dewey whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.”
Palm Sunday Funny
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
A Cleaning Funny
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
@ January 3, 2011
Thank you so much for visiting TidewaterCrossSection.com!
.